Egg freezing, 1 year on. A little over 1 year ago I was bed ridden yet again, not from Endo directly but the threat of infertility made me decide to freeze my eggs just in case. Once the very few eggs I managed to produce were removed from my body I felt strangely sad, like maybe they’d never be there again, in the worst physical pain I’ve ever felt and utterly shattered. Knowing that after all my body had been through from egg freezing, I’d likely need to do it again to secure a decent amount of eggs.. Was depressing. I felt so lucky for the opportunity to use incredible technology and had a family that could afford it, but devastated that at 23 this was my life. I should be renting a flat, not freezer space for unborn children! (more…)
It’s been 4 weeks since my last bog entry and 46 days since egg freezing. Sorry it’s been so long between drinks! Half that time I spent still recovering and the other half I had to bury my head in the books and finish my last uni assignment without distraction. Today I’m feeling 1000 times better than the last time I wrote, which is why it’s so important to diarise the bad days in life so you can see how far you’ve come. I’m not completely back to my old self but by tracking my progress I know that I’m getting stronger and fitter every day. I’m going to give you a long list of everything I’ve felt over the past 46 days since my egg retrieval so you can get a real idea of my experience – which of course will likely not be the same as your experience because we’re all so wonderfully different. It’s been a long a difficult recovery so it’s a pretty extensive list but I’m sharing it because it’s something I would’ve liked to read coming from another girl with endo before I embarked on this wild voyage. Reading another person’s experience would not have made my decision for me but it would have prepared me for the things you aren’t warned about. First of all, I hope I didn’t scare anybody off egg freezing with the last description of how I was feeling…
I am literally forcing myself to type this right now because I feel so fucking weird that I know I need to document it while I’m in the moment. Days of feeling like this are awful but you tend to ride them out then forget about them. I haven’t blogged since my egg retrieval because I’ve literally been too tired to type. Here’s what I managed to jot down in my notes on my iphone when I tried really hard to concentrate on what I was feeling:
Sort of feel like there’s two of me – one inside the other but they’re disconnected. Pins and needs in left hand. Slight falling sensation or that my inner body is much further away from my outer skin. Inner eyeballs are further away from my real eyes. Everything feels far away. I feel weak within in my body and not grounded or connected. I feel lost and small inside myself, not outside of myself as people say sometimes. Loud Noises are too loud too much I feel overwhelmed by looking at my screen filled with emails or anything that requires too much thinking and processing. My vision starts to blur and warp. Left hand getting more numb.
Here’s a video of me doing my final round of hormone injections. I developed a ‘bang bang bang’ method towards the end of my egg freezing process which basically means I lock and load up all the syringes with the solutions and medicines, replace the caps on the needles to ensure they’re 100% sterile, lay them out on the bathroom counter then BANG BANG BANG shoot em up one after the other. That may seem a little extreme to some and even warranted a “Oh Sylvie, NO!” from my mum but I didn’t do this for shock value I can assure you. I actually found this method safer for me for a number of reasons. Keep reading for more details on Day 11…
I took this photo while I was perving on all the sparkly spangly things at my photo shoot for Cosmo on October 14. Sadly none of them were meant for me so I just drooled and fantasised about being a modern bridal-wear model dripping in sequins and fluffed with fur coats while I sat on the couch waiting until it was my go. (There was a real model before me which pissed me off royally because I knew I’d look like even more of a dick trying incredibly hard to look totally natural. Bitch.)
Time for makeup. I was very excited to see what I’d be styled in and how many different outfits I’d get to try which is hilarious in hindsight because I was given a plain white singlet to throw on for a single head-shot. What a dick. Thinking I was gonna get some sort of fashion spread like I was Kate bloody Moss or something HA! I’m still baffled by my unbridled self-indulgence in that moment – what on earth was I thinking? As I had one squinty eye on the model pose pose posing while my hot pink lippy was applied and my eyebrows were coloured in, I watched my glossy 6-page-spread vision droop and deflate like a sad penis on a cold day.
Here’s a quick video of me doing one of my daily injections for egg freezing. Every day I get more and more confident and I can do it quicker each time. It helps that I’ve never been afraid of needles and like a challenge. I reckon day after tomorrow I’ll be shooting up so fast you’ll be eating your brekkie and think you saw a lightning bolt at the other end of kitchen table but it’ll just be me. With my ninja shooting up skillz. A flash before your eyes. Cap off, needle on, wind it up, bang it in, yank it out, sharps bin shut, all before you can say “eggs benedict”.
I don’t what I was thinking trying to G myself up to go out last night – I was in absolutely no fit state. Not even close. I was so tired and nauseous I could barely speak. I was like that all day but typical Syl, I seriously believed I’d simply snap out of it just in time. Regardless of what condition I’m in, I tend to have this vision of myself making a miraculous recovery where I look at the clock when it’s time to get ready (for going out, for uni assignment, for whatever it is) and leap out of bed still wearing my trackies and hoodie but suddenly feeling fantastic. Then I do a kind of ‘Genie in the bottle from Aladdin’ twirl which magically sprinkles on my makeup, poofs up and slicks back my hair, kits me out head to toe and sends me flying out the door in 2 seconds. It’s amazing. And delusional. Total denial.