You can see in this photo how swollen my belly is getting from all these injections and growing follicles…
I cannot even count the number of ex-boyfriends and phallic symbols or just blatant dicks in my dreams last night. (they came in many forms; dickheads, several dildos, people being dicks, actual dicks) Jesus Christ! (he isn’t a dick and did not appear in my dream) I actually woke up feeling a little embarrassed to be sleeping with myself like “woahh chill out girl!” When I got a glimpse of my reflection in my bedroom mirror my face was priceless – like I’d just been caught red-handed, mid-act doing something naughty. Except I’d been caught by myself. And it was just a dream… But dreams are rarely literal and I know that with a tiny bit of unpacking, it will be glaringly obvious what all the phallic stuff was for. Even as I type this it’s just so clear… hormones, the uncomfortable internal ultrasounds at Genea every few days with that cold, lubed up, phallic probe, creating potential new life in the most unnatural way possible – without a penis or sperm, all the “partner not applicable” sections I’ve had to scribble over forms, doing a (typically) couples thing on my own as a single 23 year old, making 50% of a baby in this clinical, unsexy environment, and yes sure my sex drive is in over drive … dozens of reasons.
Woke up at least 5 times throughout the night – so many dreams. As usual, off to Genea with Mum the morning at 7:30 for bloods and a second internal ultrasound.
Today was tougher than the other days. The nurse tried twice – once in each arm to take blood but it kept just stopping and wouldn’t come through the line. She thought this was because I hadn’t drunk enough this morning so I sat in the waiting room and drank a litre of water before I had my ultrasound.
The ultrasound was uncomfortable last time but today it was kind of painful. That’s because my ovaries are getting bigger as the follicles grow, so having them poked and pushed with that plastic probe was very unpleasant. Like last time, Julie scanned each ovary, applying pressure on them while she looks at the black and white tv screen in front of us and measures the diameter of each follicle she can see. On the screen they kind of look like black peanuts all squashed up together. I winced here and there but we were still able to chat while she did her thing – mainly about how Apple and Facebook are now offering free egg freezing as a work incentive to female staff, supposedly to close the gender pay gap… What the fuck.
Julie said everything looked fine but that I still have a little way to go. After the ultrasound I felt way more tender and sore and my belly became more swollen than bloated. All that ovary agitation. I drank more water in the waiting room and had bloods attempt number 3 – successful but painful and left my arm feeling heavy and very sore.
Bus to Balmain. Brekkie at Kafeine with mumma. Absolutely shattered, tender and swollen belly. Home to lay in bed and do my best to keep my eyes open while I waited for Genea to call with my results.
1pm – Lovely Irish Keira called to tell me my oestrogen is on the rise again but nothing to worry too much about. She said because of that, I should have my usual two injections today (Gonal F & Cetrotide) but must come back to Genea again in the morning to pick up a THIRD injection to add to my daily party pack – Luveris.
What is Luveris? (copied and pasted from the online consumer information leaflet)
It’s 5:30pm and I’m meant to be meeting friends down at The Rocks tonight. Of course I won’t be drinking (haven’t had a drop of alcohol since the day before I started my injections and will not have a drop till after it’s all over) but I’m just so bloody tired! I hate pulling out of things last minute but I’m not really in the mood to be anything other than horizontal. My stomach and lower abdomen is now quite huge. I’m dying to see my mates even just for an hour. I have been warned today to really rest-up now and take it very easy but surely that wouldn’t be too taxing? Snooze then decide x