Hurricane Suze 2.0

Today Hurricane Suze 2.0 hit me like a brick in the face after an orgasm. Violent and brutally unforgiving. It was a nasty concoction of things that built up very quickly and again it just came on so strong and sudden I felt very close to panic attack. I went from extreme highs to extreme lows in a 12 hour time span – something my psyche doesn’t seem to cope with too well at the moment. There was ‘complicated relationship’ drama and pointless arguing while supposed to be on a romantic 48 getaway. Romance lasted maybe 12 hours. That subject is just making my brain and heart hurt so much that’s about all I can say.

I was over tired. Even though Kayla Itsine’s workouts have been making me feel incredibly energised and amazing and happy, I’ve mysteriously gone the other way and my body has inexplicably been waking me up at 4am on the dot every day for a week. Bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to rock n roll. On the one hand it’s fantastic – I’m achieving more by 11am each day than I normally would in an entire week! But – my body needs rest and recovery so 5 hours of sleep or less every night… Why!!!

Also being off the pill – don’t wanna blame shift entirely cause I’ve got a lot of learning to do regarding dealing with my emotions. However, it’s so clear to me that I’ve become oversensitised and vulnerable to any and all feelings and emotions I have – whether they’re positive or negative feelings, they’ve all had the volume cranked up to ear-bleeding decibels and there is just no safety from that kind of volume.

My feelings, emotions and hormones just went so catastrophically all over the place today I felt dangerous. Like I could just suddenly do something crazy and snap at any second. I hate that way outta control feeling it’s so scary.

Unfortunately, as hard as I tried, no mindfulness or willpower or meditation or deep breathing could yank me outta this one so I surrendered to a cigarette, a Valium and a 48 hour snooze/sleep/bawling session. I’m only human.