Sooo I’m up to Week 4 of @kayla_itsines training guide. Hard to tell if I look that different and no idea if I’ve lost weight because I don’t weigh myself. Chucked my scales out 2 years ago. Don’t really care about a number on a screen (anymore. I did when I was younger and it was dangerously addictive, damaging and incredibly consuming). But I feel so much stronger, healthier, energised and most amazingly – I seem to be in Endo pain remission.
This morning I had my first ultrasound (and a blood test) at Genea. Despite being an internal ultrasound, (if you’ve never had one before you pretty much lie there looking at a screen where you can see all your reproductive organs in black and white while a lovely woman gently pokes around your insides with a huge lubricated, cylindrical, dildo-looking thing that has x-ray vision. It’s pretty amazing) it was totally fine. No discomfort, no pain. And fascinating!
I was nervous this morning after being so emotional yesterday and basically dreading another day of tears but so far so good! Luckily for me I’m not scared of needles and don’t feel panicked by pain (so used to it) so thinking about the injections has not been distressing – more so the effect they might have on me, whether they’ll interfere with what I’ve got on every day, how they’ll make me feel, whether the huge doses of hormones will make my Endo worse… Things like that. (more…)
So, I got the call. The go-ahead call. While I was having a dip at the pool, (having a cool swim always calms me down and clears my noodle (brain) ) Genea called me to let me know my oestrogen, progesterone and FSH levels are all flat, (which is a good thing) meaning that I’m fertile and ready to start ovarian stimulation TOMORROW! Man, everything in life just seems to be moving so quickly and happening all at once. EndoActive skyrocketing out of nowhere, uni assignments, and now this… christ.
Today, Mum and I attended a special event at the Mamamia office. (Doing our best to rep EndoActive and our cause wherever we can) The Hon. Julia Gillard came in for a Q and A session about her recently released autobiography, ‘My Story’ and to answer questions from Mamamia readers. She was interviewed by Mamamia’s Editor in Chief – Jamila Rizvi, while a select few (about 40 staff and us) got to sit very close and watch. What a privilege. She spoke so candidly and honestly about a whole range of topics; her life before, during and after being Prime Minister, gender issues, education, policies & politics, that WONDERFUL misogyny speech (which I remember watching live during Question Time while I was interning at Mamamia, on the telly with a room full of women standing, cheering and applauding – it was beyond amazing) and a whole bunch of other stuff.
Ohhh the pain. Could this be the beginning of my first real period in years? Or is it just another false alarm. I’m thinking false alarm. Half way through driving from Bondi to Balmain this morning I was draped over the steering wheel doing my deep breathing, blasting the air con, looking like a tortured woman in labour mid-contraction. Not a safe way to drive.
Normally I dream vividly and in technicolor. Sometimes they’re so real that I remain in that dream state, full of adrenaline and totally detached from reality for hours, sometimes a couple of days. I haven’t dreamed like this in a few months I think because my sleep has been so light and my minds been too racy to allow me to draw on any subconscious thoughts – just too present in reality! Not always a bad thing I guess but it’s nice to escape.
Last night I started spotting lightly and was in considerable pain again – this has happened a few times since I’ve come off the pill but I have to have two ‘normal periods’ (whatever the hell that means – haven’t had one in years!) until I can go into my fertility clinic and have all my tests done to see if I’m ready for ovarian stimulation, followed by egg retrieval at the right time.
I woke up this morning having dreamt about my entire family getting ready to go to some other family member’s baby shower – not really sure who. I’m sure this has a lot to do with all these fertility and baby thoughts I’ve been having and also the new arrival of my perfect little baby cousin, Kobe, who I got to hold and nestle 2 weeks ago when he was so so tiny and new. What an incredible feeling – what is it about babies that just overwhelms you with love!! I can’t wait to watch him grow up and be his surrogate aunty. Anyway a side note in this dream was that all us Freedmans were huddled around a giant saucepan collectively creating the worlds biggest ham and cheese omelette. That may be some wild metaphor for something or just code for me waking up starving and craving a ham and cheese omelette! Eggs… Fertility… New life… There must be something Freudian to that I’m sure.
Part two of my dream was that I was chilling down at Sydney harbour when a friend of mine decided to go swimming even though I begged him not to and warned him about sharks (a creature I’m both terrified of and absolutely obsessed and fascinated by) and sure enough, right after he jumps in, up comes this monstrous fin and a 20 foot Great White grabs him by the torso! As I reach out to try and pull him out of the water, the giant shark suddnely chomps down on my arm and pulls me off the dock and under the water as well.
I cannot explain how real this felt, I could see underwater and was holding my breath trying to remember what the millions of Nat geo shark week docos had taught me to do in this situation. I tried to punch the shark in the nose but it let like my fists were gliding through thick honey and we continued to be clamped down together and pulled deeper to the ocean floor.
What happened next is still chilling my bones – I gripped the shark’s face with both hands and started gnawing and chewing on its head, through its skin and flesh (gruesome!!) I was literally ripping out chunks of the poor thing with my teeth like some kind of barbaric animal so that it propelled us up above the surface, opened its jaws and released us so we were able to clamber onto the dock to safety.
What does it mean!!!
Blood reference – that’s obvious. The unexpected. Fearing and appreciating something in equal parts. That we overcome things we never thought we could to save ourselves or the people we love? Even though the shark was trying to end us both, I love those creatures and would never want to hurt them. It was such a bloodbath of torn flesh that even though it was just a dream I feel murderous and upset by what I did. I’m hoping I’ll figure that one out with some analysis and conclude that it meant something else entirely, which dreams almost always do.
As graphic as that was, it felt nice to dream like that again – really wakes you up!
(I also dreamed I bought a bangin’ pair of $350 Karen Walker sunnies I was pining over the other day so that lightened the mood, but was a rude awakening to wake up and find that I still don’t own them and most likely never will.)
HOLLER!! Today is a new day and it’s hard to believe I was a depressed cave woman unable to pry my white-knuckled fists from the corners of my doona for the past 2 days because today I feel fantastic! I was up bright and early, back on track with Kayla Itsine’s workout plan, hit the gym, read over my Endo fact notes, dressed up like I was Hittin’ da cleerb and at my meeting with the gorgeous Lauren from Cosmo by 11am.