Today Hurricane Suze 2.0 hit me like a brick in the face after an orgasm. Violent and brutally unforgiving. It was a nasty concoction of things that built up very quickly and again it just came on so strong and sudden I felt very close to panic attack. I went from extreme highs to extreme lows in a 12 hour time span – something my psyche doesn’t seem to cope with too well at the moment. There was ‘complicated relationship’ drama and pointless arguing while supposed to be on a romantic 48 getaway. Romance lasted maybe 12 hours. That subject is just making my brain and heart hurt so much that’s about all I can say.
I was over tired. Even though Kayla Itsine’s workouts have been making me feel incredibly energised and amazing and happy, I’ve mysteriously gone the other way and my body has inexplicably been waking me up at 4am on the dot every day for a week. Bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to rock n roll. On the one hand it’s fantastic – I’m achieving more by 11am each day than I normally would in an entire week! But – my body needs rest and recovery so 5 hours of sleep or less every night… Why!!!
Also being off the pill – don’t wanna blame shift entirely cause I’ve got a lot of learning to do regarding dealing with my emotions. However, it’s so clear to me that I’ve become oversensitised and vulnerable to any and all feelings and emotions I have – whether they’re positive or negative feelings, they’ve all had the volume cranked up to ear-bleeding decibels and there is just no safety from that kind of volume.
My feelings, emotions and hormones just went so catastrophically all over the place today I felt dangerous. Like I could just suddenly do something crazy and snap at any second. I hate that way outta control feeling it’s so scary.
Unfortunately, as hard as I tried, no mindfulness or willpower or meditation or deep breathing could yank me outta this one so I surrendered to a cigarette, a Valium and a 48 hour snooze/sleep/bawling session. I’m only human.
Found an article on Jezebel about egg freezing – a much easier breakdown that what I’ve read in the booklets I’ve been given from my fertility clinic – don’t get me wrong they’re essential to read but just too scientific and confusing for me! Nice to read something in plaaaaaain English.
This week I’ve begun rigorous training of strengthening myself physically, mentally & emotionally. If I have to learn to live with a chronic disease, I cannot let Endo rule my life, otherwise I’ll spend the rest of my days in bed or on the couch. I want to toughen up (by no means be a martyr) and break the cycle I’ve fallen into where I do nothing even when my pain is at a 3 or 4 out of 10. I’m trying this new thing where I add more structure to my life and force myself to do things even when I’m in pain, rather than surrendering to it and crashing on the couch all the time.
At 4pm after a long day of technical difficulties, ‘Hurricane Suze’ (or hormotional Syl) began to brew. I know myself well enough to know that despite said technical difficulties, they were not stressful enough to warrant the torrent of physical and emotional symptoms that began to take over me.
Today is the day I come off the pill. BIT SCARY! I’ve been on various kinds of OC pills since I was 15 and in the last two years I’ve been taking it continuously every day as per advice from my surgeon to prevent me having periods and try to slow down the growth of the Endo. I’ve never quite understood how the pill can slow down the growth of Endo when it contains oestrogen, which feeds Endo…
Here we are at a family wedding just a few months ago. I love this photo. My daughter looks happy and healthy. I don’t look too wrinkly.
But halfway through the reception someone tapped me on the shoulder: “Your daughter’s lying on the floor in the bathroom. I think she has to go home.”
She was diagnosed with Endometriosis a couple of years ago, but that was my first experience of how suddenly and brutally Endo can take her from the party to the pits. A few weeks later she was in hospital for her second surgery in less than two years. She’s unlucky to be at stage 4 – the most severe – and she’s only 23.
Because all my symptoms have returned already, (just a couple of months after my last surgery for endo) I felt as though I needed to do something in order to feel like I have some ‘control’. It’s become clear that despite having a wonderful surgeon, I have a particularly aggressive form of Endo that grows back incredibly quickly. I’m concerned that even though my ovaries aren’t damaged now, they could be in bad condition by the time I’m ready to start having babies. I’m only 23 and as ridiculously excited as I am to have little babies of my own, I’m in no way ready. So, I asked my surgeon to refer me to a fertility specialist just so I could find out a bit more about egg freezing.