Watching the siege unfold last night didn’t feel like real life. The magnitude of what happened took a while to sink in and when it did I was surprised at how quickly I crumbled and felt almost guilty and self-indulgent for being so affected when this was not my tragedy. I shocked myself. Mum explained to me through my tears that some events can open the gateway to release all the emotions we’ve been bottling up. Continuing to watch the news on TV began to feel too sad, too overwhelming and too passive so as a family we went to the memorial at Martin Place. What an incredibly powerful experience.
It felt like a sacred ground where every type of person came together to grieve and show their support. Behind us in the mile long line of people waiting to put down flowers was a homeless looking man named John. He had cerebral palsy, he walked with difficulty with a cane and looked like he’d lived a hard life but even he came to pay his respects. He didn’t have any flowers so I gave him some from our huge bunch, then another woman did the same. It was a nice moment. A group of people began singing John Lennon’s Imagine while hundreds of us silently let our thoughts wander. The expanse of flowers is unbelievably moving. It was so sad being right there where it all happened but what an amazingly uniting experience on a gorgeous Sydney night. Still getting goosebumps thinking about that gorgeous sea of flowers at the makeshift memorial and the thousands of people standing together in humbled silence after the longest night – something positive and meaningful to come out of such senseless horror. Thinking of the victims and their families tonight x
Today, Mum and I attended a special event at the Mamamia office. (Doing our best to rep EndoActive and our cause wherever we can) The Hon. Julia Gillard came in for a Q and A session about her recently released autobiography, ‘My Story’ and to answer questions from Mamamia readers. She was interviewed by Mamamia’s Editor in Chief – Jamila Rizvi, while a select few (about 40 staff and us) got to sit very close and watch. What a privilege. She spoke so candidly and honestly about a whole range of topics; her life before, during and after being Prime Minister, gender issues, education, policies & politics, that WONDERFUL misogyny speech (which I remember watching live during Question Time while I was interning at Mamamia, on the telly with a room full of women standing, cheering and applauding – it was beyond amazing) and a whole bunch of other stuff.
Normally I dream vividly and in technicolor. Sometimes they’re so real that I remain in that dream state, full of adrenaline and totally detached from reality for hours, sometimes a couple of days. I haven’t dreamed like this in a few months I think because my sleep has been so light and my minds been too racy to allow me to draw on any subconscious thoughts – just too present in reality! Not always a bad thing I guess but it’s nice to escape.
Last night I started spotting lightly and was in considerable pain again – this has happened a few times since I’ve come off the pill but I have to have two ‘normal periods’ (whatever the hell that means – haven’t had one in years!) until I can go into my fertility clinic and have all my tests done to see if I’m ready for ovarian stimulation, followed by egg retrieval at the right time.
I woke up this morning having dreamt about my entire family getting ready to go to some other family member’s baby shower – not really sure who. I’m sure this has a lot to do with all these fertility and baby thoughts I’ve been having and also the new arrival of my perfect little baby cousin, Kobe, who I got to hold and nestle 2 weeks ago when he was so so tiny and new. What an incredible feeling – what is it about babies that just overwhelms you with love!! I can’t wait to watch him grow up and be his surrogate aunty. Anyway a side note in this dream was that all us Freedmans were huddled around a giant saucepan collectively creating the worlds biggest ham and cheese omelette. That may be some wild metaphor for something or just code for me waking up starving and craving a ham and cheese omelette! Eggs… Fertility… New life… There must be something Freudian to that I’m sure.
Part two of my dream was that I was chilling down at Sydney harbour when a friend of mine decided to go swimming even though I begged him not to and warned him about sharks (a creature I’m both terrified of and absolutely obsessed and fascinated by) and sure enough, right after he jumps in, up comes this monstrous fin and a 20 foot Great White grabs him by the torso! As I reach out to try and pull him out of the water, the giant shark suddnely chomps down on my arm and pulls me off the dock and under the water as well.
I cannot explain how real this felt, I could see underwater and was holding my breath trying to remember what the millions of Nat geo shark week docos had taught me to do in this situation. I tried to punch the shark in the nose but it let like my fists were gliding through thick honey and we continued to be clamped down together and pulled deeper to the ocean floor.
What happened next is still chilling my bones – I gripped the shark’s face with both hands and started gnawing and chewing on its head, through its skin and flesh (gruesome!!) I was literally ripping out chunks of the poor thing with my teeth like some kind of barbaric animal so that it propelled us up above the surface, opened its jaws and released us so we were able to clamber onto the dock to safety.
What does it mean!!!
Blood reference – that’s obvious. The unexpected. Fearing and appreciating something in equal parts. That we overcome things we never thought we could to save ourselves or the people we love? Even though the shark was trying to end us both, I love those creatures and would never want to hurt them. It was such a bloodbath of torn flesh that even though it was just a dream I feel murderous and upset by what I did. I’m hoping I’ll figure that one out with some analysis and conclude that it meant something else entirely, which dreams almost always do.
As graphic as that was, it felt nice to dream like that again – really wakes you up!
(I also dreamed I bought a bangin’ pair of $350 Karen Walker sunnies I was pining over the other day so that lightened the mood, but was a rude awakening to wake up and find that I still don’t own them and most likely never will.)
HOLLER!! Today is a new day and it’s hard to believe I was a depressed cave woman unable to pry my white-knuckled fists from the corners of my doona for the past 2 days because today I feel fantastic! I was up bright and early, back on track with Kayla Itsine’s workout plan, hit the gym, read over my Endo fact notes, dressed up like I was Hittin’ da cleerb and at my meeting with the gorgeous Lauren from Cosmo by 11am.
Today Hurricane Suze 2.0 hit me like a brick in the face after an orgasm. Violent and brutally unforgiving. It was a nasty concoction of things that built up very quickly and again it just came on so strong and sudden I felt very close to panic attack. I went from extreme highs to extreme lows in a 12 hour time span – something my psyche doesn’t seem to cope with too well at the moment. There was ‘complicated relationship’ drama and pointless arguing while supposed to be on a romantic 48 getaway. Romance lasted maybe 12 hours. That subject is just making my brain and heart hurt so much that’s about all I can say.
I was over tired. Even though Kayla Itsine’s workouts have been making me feel incredibly energised and amazing and happy, I’ve mysteriously gone the other way and my body has inexplicably been waking me up at 4am on the dot every day for a week. Bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to rock n roll. On the one hand it’s fantastic – I’m achieving more by 11am each day than I normally would in an entire week! But – my body needs rest and recovery so 5 hours of sleep or less every night… Why!!!
Also being off the pill – don’t wanna blame shift entirely cause I’ve got a lot of learning to do regarding dealing with my emotions. However, it’s so clear to me that I’ve become oversensitised and vulnerable to any and all feelings and emotions I have – whether they’re positive or negative feelings, they’ve all had the volume cranked up to ear-bleeding decibels and there is just no safety from that kind of volume.
My feelings, emotions and hormones just went so catastrophically all over the place today I felt dangerous. Like I could just suddenly do something crazy and snap at any second. I hate that way outta control feeling it’s so scary.
Unfortunately, as hard as I tried, no mindfulness or willpower or meditation or deep breathing could yank me outta this one so I surrendered to a cigarette, a Valium and a 48 hour snooze/sleep/bawling session. I’m only human.
At 4pm after a long day of technical difficulties, ‘Hurricane Suze’ (or hormotional Syl) began to brew. I know myself well enough to know that despite said technical difficulties, they were not stressful enough to warrant the torrent of physical and emotional symptoms that began to take over me.
Today is the day I come off the pill. BIT SCARY! I’ve been on various kinds of OC pills since I was 15 and in the last two years I’ve been taking it continuously every day as per advice from my surgeon to prevent me having periods and try to slow down the growth of the Endo. I’ve never quite understood how the pill can slow down the growth of Endo when it contains oestrogen, which feeds Endo…