You will notice in the photo of my form that I have crossed out the “partner” section. In the beginning, every medical person who hadn’t bothered to read my file would always say things to me like “you and your partner” or “egg and sperm” or “IVF” or “you’ll make that decision together”… Uhh no! No husband. No partner. No sperm. No IVF. I’m 23, single and freezing my eggs on my own. Because I have Endo. And I want to empower myself and be proactive. I’m so sick of N/Aing and crossing out all the ‘partner’ sections. It’s just a bloody form but for some reason it makes me feel really lonely and isolated – like this is some sort of journey designed specifically for couples. And I’m not one. So I don’t quite fit.
I was nervous this morning after being so emotional yesterday and basically dreading another day of tears but so far so good! Luckily for me I’m not scared of needles and don’t feel panicked by pain (so used to it) so thinking about the injections has not been distressing – more so the effect they might have on me, whether they’ll interfere with what I’ve got on every day, how they’ll make me feel, whether the huge doses of hormones will make my Endo worse… Things like that. (more…)
So, I got the call. The go-ahead call. While I was having a dip at the pool, (having a cool swim always calms me down and clears my noodle (brain) ) Genea called me to let me know my oestrogen, progesterone and FSH levels are all flat, (which is a good thing) meaning that I’m fertile and ready to start ovarian stimulation TOMORROW! Man, everything in life just seems to be moving so quickly and happening all at once. EndoActive skyrocketing out of nowhere, uni assignments, and now this… christ.
Got up bright and early this morning for my blood test at Genea. The first positive upon entering the clinic I thought was, “at least I can flick through Rolling Stone and hang with Katy Perry while I wait for my name to be called! “
Normally I dream vividly and in technicolor. Sometimes they’re so real that I remain in that dream state, full of adrenaline and totally detached from reality for hours, sometimes a couple of days. I haven’t dreamed like this in a few months I think because my sleep has been so light and my minds been too racy to allow me to draw on any subconscious thoughts – just too present in reality! Not always a bad thing I guess but it’s nice to escape.
Last night I started spotting lightly and was in considerable pain again – this has happened a few times since I’ve come off the pill but I have to have two ‘normal periods’ (whatever the hell that means – haven’t had one in years!) until I can go into my fertility clinic and have all my tests done to see if I’m ready for ovarian stimulation, followed by egg retrieval at the right time.
I woke up this morning having dreamt about my entire family getting ready to go to some other family member’s baby shower – not really sure who. I’m sure this has a lot to do with all these fertility and baby thoughts I’ve been having and also the new arrival of my perfect little baby cousin, Kobe, who I got to hold and nestle 2 weeks ago when he was so so tiny and new. What an incredible feeling – what is it about babies that just overwhelms you with love!! I can’t wait to watch him grow up and be his surrogate aunty. Anyway a side note in this dream was that all us Freedmans were huddled around a giant saucepan collectively creating the worlds biggest ham and cheese omelette. That may be some wild metaphor for something or just code for me waking up starving and craving a ham and cheese omelette! Eggs… Fertility… New life… There must be something Freudian to that I’m sure.
Part two of my dream was that I was chilling down at Sydney harbour when a friend of mine decided to go swimming even though I begged him not to and warned him about sharks (a creature I’m both terrified of and absolutely obsessed and fascinated by) and sure enough, right after he jumps in, up comes this monstrous fin and a 20 foot Great White grabs him by the torso! As I reach out to try and pull him out of the water, the giant shark suddnely chomps down on my arm and pulls me off the dock and under the water as well.
I cannot explain how real this felt, I could see underwater and was holding my breath trying to remember what the millions of Nat geo shark week docos had taught me to do in this situation. I tried to punch the shark in the nose but it let like my fists were gliding through thick honey and we continued to be clamped down together and pulled deeper to the ocean floor.
What happened next is still chilling my bones – I gripped the shark’s face with both hands and started gnawing and chewing on its head, through its skin and flesh (gruesome!!) I was literally ripping out chunks of the poor thing with my teeth like some kind of barbaric animal so that it propelled us up above the surface, opened its jaws and released us so we were able to clamber onto the dock to safety.
What does it mean!!!
Blood reference – that’s obvious. The unexpected. Fearing and appreciating something in equal parts. That we overcome things we never thought we could to save ourselves or the people we love? Even though the shark was trying to end us both, I love those creatures and would never want to hurt them. It was such a bloodbath of torn flesh that even though it was just a dream I feel murderous and upset by what I did. I’m hoping I’ll figure that one out with some analysis and conclude that it meant something else entirely, which dreams almost always do.
As graphic as that was, it felt nice to dream like that again – really wakes you up!
(I also dreamed I bought a bangin’ pair of $350 Karen Walker sunnies I was pining over the other day so that lightened the mood, but was a rude awakening to wake up and find that I still don’t own them and most likely never will.)
Today Hurricane Suze 2.0 hit me like a brick in the face after an orgasm. Violent and brutally unforgiving. It was a nasty concoction of things that built up very quickly and again it just came on so strong and sudden I felt very close to panic attack. I went from extreme highs to extreme lows in a 12 hour time span – something my psyche doesn’t seem to cope with too well at the moment. There was ‘complicated relationship’ drama and pointless arguing while supposed to be on a romantic 48 getaway. Romance lasted maybe 12 hours. That subject is just making my brain and heart hurt so much that’s about all I can say.
I was over tired. Even though Kayla Itsine’s workouts have been making me feel incredibly energised and amazing and happy, I’ve mysteriously gone the other way and my body has inexplicably been waking me up at 4am on the dot every day for a week. Bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to rock n roll. On the one hand it’s fantastic – I’m achieving more by 11am each day than I normally would in an entire week! But – my body needs rest and recovery so 5 hours of sleep or less every night… Why!!!
Also being off the pill – don’t wanna blame shift entirely cause I’ve got a lot of learning to do regarding dealing with my emotions. However, it’s so clear to me that I’ve become oversensitised and vulnerable to any and all feelings and emotions I have – whether they’re positive or negative feelings, they’ve all had the volume cranked up to ear-bleeding decibels and there is just no safety from that kind of volume.
My feelings, emotions and hormones just went so catastrophically all over the place today I felt dangerous. Like I could just suddenly do something crazy and snap at any second. I hate that way outta control feeling it’s so scary.
Unfortunately, as hard as I tried, no mindfulness or willpower or meditation or deep breathing could yank me outta this one so I surrendered to a cigarette, a Valium and a 48 hour snooze/sleep/bawling session. I’m only human.
Today I’m feeling amazing! It IS only 10am and I AM writing this in the bath tub drinking tea and listening to Eminem so how could I not feel good but still…
This week I’ve begun rigorous training of strengthening myself physically, mentally & emotionally. If I have to learn to live with a chronic disease, I cannot let Endo rule my life, otherwise I’ll spend the rest of my days in bed or on the couch. I want to toughen up (by no means be a martyr) and break the cycle I’ve fallen into where I do nothing even when my pain is at a 3 or 4 out of 10. I’m trying this new thing where I add more structure to my life and force myself to do things even when I’m in pain, rather than surrendering to it and crashing on the couch all the time.
At 4pm after a long day of technical difficulties, ‘Hurricane Suze’ (or hormotional Syl) began to brew. I know myself well enough to know that despite said technical difficulties, they were not stressful enough to warrant the torrent of physical and emotional symptoms that began to take over me.
Today is the day I come off the pill. BIT SCARY! I’ve been on various kinds of OC pills since I was 15 and in the last two years I’ve been taking it continuously every day as per advice from my surgeon to prevent me having periods and try to slow down the growth of the Endo. I’ve never quite understood how the pill can slow down the growth of Endo when it contains oestrogen, which feeds Endo…
