fertility

Egg retrieval recovery Day 18

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I am literally forcing myself to type this right now because I feel so fucking weird that I know I need to document it while I’m in the moment. Days of feeling like this are awful but you tend to ride them out then forget about them. I haven’t blogged since my egg retrieval because I’ve literally been too tired to type. Here’s what I managed to jot down in my notes on my iphone when I tried really hard to concentrate on what I was feeling:

Sort of feel like there’s two of me – one inside the other but they’re disconnected.
Pins and needs in left hand.
Slight falling sensation or that my inner body is much further away from my outer skin.
Inner eyeballs are further away from my real eyes. Everything feels far away.
I feel weak within in my body and not grounded or connected.
I feel lost and small inside myself, not outside of myself as people say sometimes.
Loud Noises are too loud too much
I feel overwhelmed by looking at my screen filled with emails or anything that requires too much thinking and processing.
My vision starts to blur and warp.
Left hand getting more numb.

Reading that back is very scary and creepy.

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Day 11 egg freezing

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Here’s a video of me doing my final round of hormone injections. I developed a ‘bang bang bang’ method towards the end of my egg freezing process which basically means I lock and load up all the syringes with the solutions and medicines, replace the caps on the needles to ensure they’re 100% sterile, lay them out on the bathroom counter then BANG BANG BANG shoot em up one after the other. That may seem a little extreme to some and even warranted a “Oh Sylvie, NO!” from my mum but I didn’t do this for shock value I can assure you. I actually found this method safer for me for a number of reasons. Keep reading for more details on Day 11…

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Cravinggggggz

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Salted caramel buttered popcorn & passionfruit brulee zumbarons because my body said so and one must listen to the body.

Salted caramel buttered popcorn & passionfruit brulee zumbarons because my body said so and one must listen to the body.

Day 10 sugar cravings 2.0. I blame the 50 half children in my ovaries. I tended to their needs like any mother would… with salted caramel buttered popcorn macarons.

Day 7 egg freezing

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Day 7 Genea

I don’t what I was thinking trying to G myself up to go out last night – I was in absolutely no fit state. Not even close. I was so tired and nauseous I could barely speak. I was like that all day but typical Syl, I seriously believed I’d simply snap out of it just in time. Regardless of what condition I’m in, I tend to have this vision of myself making a miraculous recovery where I look at the clock when it’s time to get ready (for going out, for uni assignment, for whatever it is) and leap out of bed still wearing my trackies and hoodie but suddenly feeling fantastic. Then I do a kind of ‘Genie in the bottle from Aladdin’ twirl which magically sprinkles on my makeup, poofs up and slicks back my hair, kits me out head to toe and sends me flying out the door in 2 seconds. It’s amazing. And delusional. Total denial.

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Day 6 egg freezing

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Day 6 belly

You can see in this photo how swollen my belly is getting from all these injections and growing follicles…

I cannot even count the number of ex-boyfriends and phallic symbols or just blatant dicks in my dreams last night. (they came in many forms; dickheads, several dildos, people being dicks, actual dicks) Jesus Christ! (he isn’t a dick and did not appear in my dream) I actually woke up feeling a little embarrassed to be sleeping with myself like “woahh chill out girl!” When I got a glimpse of my reflection in my bedroom mirror my face was priceless – like I’d just been caught red-handed, mid-act doing something naughty. Except I’d been caught by myself. And it was just a dream… But dreams are rarely literal and I know that with a tiny bit of unpacking, it will be glaringly obvious what all the phallic stuff was for. Even as I type this it’s just so clear… hormones, the uncomfortable internal ultrasounds at Genea every few days with that cold, lubed up, phallic probe, creating potential new life in the most unnatural way possible – without a penis or sperm, all the “partner not applicable” sections I’ve had to scribble over forms, doing a (typically) couples thing on my own as a single 23 year old, making 50% of a baby in this clinical, unsexy environment, and yes sure my sex drive is in over drive … dozens of reasons.

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Day 4 egg freezing

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This morning I had my first ultrasound (and a blood test) at Genea. Despite being an internal ultrasound, (if you’ve never had one before you pretty much lie there looking at a screen where you can see all your reproductive organs in black and white while a lovely woman gently pokes around your insides with a huge lubricated, cylindrical, dildo-looking thing that has x-ray vision. It’s pretty amazing) it was totally fine. No discomfort, no pain. And fascinating!

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Day 3 egg freezing

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You will notice in the photo of my form that I have crossed out the “partner” section. In the beginning, every medical person who hadn’t bothered to read my file would always say things to me like “you and your partner” or “egg and sperm” or “IVF” or “you’ll make that decision together”… Uhh no! No husband. No partner. No sperm. No IVF. I’m 23, single and freezing my eggs on my own. Because I have Endo. And I want to empower myself and be proactive. I’m so sick of N/Aing and crossing out all the ‘partner’ sections. It’s just a bloody form but for some reason it makes me feel really lonely and isolated – like this is some sort of journey designed specifically for couples. And I’m not one. So I don’t quite fit.

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